Stating the Obvious

Lauren Bacall's shocking revelation:

New York -- Lauren Bacall tells TIME Tom Cruise is not a great actor. "When you talk about a great actor, you're not talking about Tom Cruise," Bacall says.

"His whole behavior is so shocking. It's inappropriate and vulgar and absolutely unacceptable to use your private life to sell anything commercially, but I think it's kind of a sickness."
[www.drudgereport.com]

Art vs. Gerbil

A rumination by artist Sally Madge, whose new project in a UK gallery features a live gerbil and a first edition of the New Illustrated Universal Reference Book together in a small cage. The rodent is encouraged to use the book as nesting material:

"We may think about rodents collectively in terms of the feral masses gnawing away at and polluting our social and built environment...But rodents can become acceptable, and even cute. Once isolated, domesticated and controlled as part of the culturally sanctioned phenomenon of pet ownership, animals contribute to everyday life, providing companionship and pleasure and having affection and care lavished on them in return."

So Sally Madge is on a one-woman mission to transform rodents into socially sanctioned pets, as though this is the only way they can gain the sought-after titled of "cute." The beavers would surely have a bone to pick with this argument. They would inform Ms. Madge that rodents of various persuasions live happy AND cute lives in the wild and do not need to sit in cages to gnaw at reference material to gain social redemption. They find her artistic intention of transforming social rodent perception sorely disingenuous.

Nut Attack

Tim Burton has proved what everybody already knows: Nutseekers (a.k.a Squirrels) are brilliant and multi-valent rodents. Burton used real nutseekers in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and relied on the skills of squirrel trainer, Stephen Vedmore.

That Girl is Poison!

In an effort to impress their mates, male grey squirrels in england have historically displayed themselves on tree branches. Female squirrels concur that a male's sex appeal is directly proportional to the stability and aesthetic integrity of the tree branch they chose to sit on. But it seems that a renegade group of male grey squirrels have taken to destroying the tree branches in a desperate attempt to woo potential mates, which is in turn destroying some of england's beloved woodlands.

Coming to a city near you

So, You've Decided to Steal Cable

O.J. Simpson has been convicted of stealing cable and must pay $25,000.00 to Direct TV. What is even better about this is that Simpson's lawyer claims that they were denied the right to a jury trial which would have vindicated his client. Indeed.

Sweaty Politicians: German Style

If the rumors are true that Angela Merkel will be Germany's next Chancellor, she really needs to consider the following:
1. An upgrade from deodorant to anti-perspirant.
2. Pastel attire that transforms the body into the pastel burrito from hell be off-limits for everyone.

Capybara Time!

The world's largest rodent. Enjoy.


Likes: Tall grasses, water plants, melon, Devo, Pixies, nouvelle vague cinema.


Dislikes: Porcupines, predators, Michael Bay, rude beavers, Weezer.

Keep Smiling

A joint report released Monday by the U.S. Defense Department and State Department states that the "insurgents" have infiltrated the Iraqi defense forces which would help to explain why the insurgency has been so successful in targeting the Iraqi police and army in recent months.

A really great article in the New York Times' Week in Review that appeared this past sunday asks, "If It's Civil War, Do We Know It?" Good question. Given the administration's record in coming clean about how bad the situation really is, we all know that Dick "the insurgency is in its last throes" Cheney would be the last one to tell the public that the US military is actually arming a burgeoning civil war. Let's not forget that the USA has a illustious history of arming dangerous people, like Osama Bin Laden, to fight our own cold war battles.

The Biggest Jerk on Television

After Tucker Carlson was "dismissed" from CNN's Crossfire and given his own show, The Situation, on MSNBC, he is now in danger of being canned. It seems that the Situation looks pretty dismal since it is currently dead last in cable news ratings. This can be explained as the bow-tie effect, where the dynamic nature of the dandyish accessory has failed to compensate for his inane banter.

The New Action Painters

We thought that abstract expressionism had died in the 1960's and we were sorely mistaken. Today's newest action painter is none other than Tilly, or Tillamook Cheddar as she is known to her critics and fans. While she does not work in paint as her predecessors did, the vivacious gestures and wild energy of her tableaux compels Beaver City to anoint her as "the new Pollock."
In the cold war atmosphere of the 1950's, Nelson Rockefeller once referred to abstract expressionism as "free enterprise painting," drawing an analogy between the wild "free" gestures present in the paintings and the supposed free will of capital, bound up of course with the anti-communist, pro-western democratic rhetoric of the moment. Rockefeller's statement should make us all think about how abstract images can be co-opted to mean anything by those with loud and powerful voices. Let's get this straight: Pollock's work was not an endorsement of the righteousness of America's foreign/economic policy: it was abstraction and it was about paint, canvas and what painting can do without having to represent the world in mimetic terms.

But leaving the critical realm for a moment, someone should really tell George Bush that we have a new artist on our hands whose oeuvre reaffirms that "freedom is on the march." Tilly's work is the new free enterprise painting, the language of liberation, demonstrating that the animal spirit will not be intimidated by the evil-doers.

Beavers and animals of similar persuasions in the News

1) $500.00 dollars for the safe return of a missing beaver. The dayton daily news may be treating the matter lightly, but the proud citizens of beaver city know that this is no laughing matter.

2) Truck load of pot hauled in by a beaver county citizen.

3) In forager related news, the numbers of english hedgehogs are diminishing.

4) Gerbil explosion in England.

The Lion Channel

Germans apparently love lions. Not a day has gone by without a lion documentary appearing on televison. Why lions? Any suggestions?

RE: Nut-seeking Activities in the Northeastern Sector

Dear Investors,

As we approach the end of the summer months, we are already looking forward to fall, our busiest season of nut-seeking with our most reliable and profitable rodent: the mighty squirrel. Long recognized as the most efficient and enthusiastic seeker of nuts, the squirrel's productivity in the last fiscal year earned Beaver vs. Monkey vs. Sparrow Incorporated unprecedented profits.

I recently received a proposal from our dynamic northeastern team member, Ms. Kitty Nipkins. She believes that chipmunks, and not squirrels are the future of nut-seeking. As she stated in her memorandum:

"Chimpunks are the future. Their smaller size, more
pleasant demeanor, intricate markings and all-around
cuteness inherently increase their value as
nut-seekers. Chimpunks are among the more playful
rodent wildlife and are friends to both bird and
squirrel alike."

While we have often contemplated the possibility of including chipmunks in our nut-seeking endeavors, the Rodent Advisory Panel has continuously indicated that chipmunks simply do not have the stamina, girth, or nut-seeking abilities possessed UNIQUELY by the squirrel. Here is a brief excerpt from the RAP's latest report entitled: "Squirrel vs. Chipmunk, Some Considerations."

"While it is certainly true that chipmunks are more stealth, their ability to procure and extract nuts of quality has not yet been proven. Another problem for chipmunk inclusion is their propensity to run away from the slightest threat. Our studies indicate that they are among the most skiddish of rodents which can be an impediment to nut procurement. In addition, some squirrels have repeatedly expressed their disdain for their smaller chipmunk counterparts. It is doubtful whether these two kinds of rodents could ever come together and work as a successful nut-seeking team."

Per Ms. Nipkins' memo encouraging chipmunk development, I would like to recommend that the RAP consider new tests to determine chipmunk - squirrel compatibility so that we can finally put this question to rest. If the RAP concludes that compatibility is possible, we should move forward and consult with our "GROUP THINK" development lab to encourage the squirrels to accept the chipmunks as team members.

Warmest Regards,
Beaver Time

Tree Stump Quality: Proposals for Determining Quality

Problem: The Library is unable to locate information regarding the classification of tree stumps into those of poor or superior quality. Please speculate on the distinction.

Proposal: In order to distinguish between tree stumps of superior quality from those of lower or debased quality, we must first identify the criteria by which quality is determined. A panel of tree stump experts from the Society of Stumps (SOS) has recently suggested two separate indicators of
quality:

1. Potential for Petrification: a stump's proximity to a volcano sharply increases its chances of achieving the most highly valued form a stump can assume, that of petrification.

2. Potential for Recreational Use: factors use to determine a stump's potential for recreational use include but are not limited to: aesthetic qualities (such as richness of color, dynamic texture, or compelling pattens), the extent to which the stump can be used for sitting, proximity to picnic areas, meditation.

Germans vs. The Crosswalk

I have noticed something peculiar in the city of Braunschweig, Germany. Whenever one arrives at a crosswalk and the light indicates that you aren't allowed to walk, EVERYONE waits whether or not there are cars coming. In any other city I've ever been in, people walk across when they are reasonably sure that they will not get hit by an oncoming car. Not so in Braunschweig. It's eerie. I even saw a gaggle of teenage boys who patiently waited until it was Permitted to cross despite the fact that NO car was in sight. Is this mind control or putting safety first?

Celebrity Parrots

While it seems that Ms. Jolie has ample time to save the world and to adopt numerous infants from developing nations with Hottie Mc Hot tagging along, she is unable to provide a stable home for her grey parrot.

Scissors! The new Rock.

Rock, Paper, Scissors is absolutely irrepressible and is by far the best way to make decisions. Just ask the good folks at Sotheby's and Christie's.

Moreover, one of my cousins won an all expenses paid vacation to the Florida Keys after winning a "rock, paper, scissors SMACK DOWN" at her university.

It's the hottest trend of the season. To help you get started, there's even an Rock, Paper, Scissors Official Strategy website.

viktor's paintings

These are viktor's paintings. He hung them up for his painting exam. It went extremely well. His professors recommended him to do the equivalent of an extra honors degree in painting. Exciting!

Learning German vs. Go ask alice vs. You and your big fat fake diary

In my eternal quest to learn the impossible German language, I have resorted to reading a series of books which do not correspond to my age level. The first one was called "Der Biber," written for the 5-7 year old set. It has lots of colorful pictures and informs me that beavers mate for life and care for their young long after they are born.

My next project was to read everybody's favorite teen drug drama, Go Ask Alice, or auf Deutsch: Fragt mal Alice. I remember reading this in junior high and being totally horrified. What a BAD girl. A decade or so after reading it for the first time, my critical antennae are now more finely tuned to bullshit. Let's take her first drug experience: she is handed one of 10 LSD spiked cokes at a party. A few days later she is a full-blown drug addict and is injecting herself with Speed. Please. Where are the gateway drugs?

It turns out that there was never an Alice, only a series of ghost writers spewing viscious anti-drug, anti-teen rebellion propaganda in the form of a supposedly authentic teen diary. http://www.snopes.com/language/literary/askalice.asp

Final verdict: Despite its status as anti-drug propaganda, I would still rather be reading Go Ask Alice than Goethe in my summer away from academic texts. And doesn't it become more interesting now that we can read it as propaganda, paranoia and hyperbole?

Horse Flaneur

This horse lives in the 7th arrondisement in Paris at a place called Deyrolles, an old maison of taxidermy. You can enter freely and meet all of the wonderful beasts and birds.

Bread = Toast AND Rolls

Germany has the best bread of anywhere if you are into the whole grain variety. But before partaking of german baked delights, there are a couple of things we must first clarify. Did you know that there is a HUGE difference between "Toast" and "rolls?" While it is true that you can toast a roll, this would never happen in germany. If a breakfast roll is what you want, never tell a German that you want "bread" or "toast." What you want is a "ROLL." "Toast" is sliced bread that you can put in the toaster. Bread is a large category within which "toast" and "rolls" fall into. FYI

Blogfulness

I'm giving this blogging stuff a shot. This will surely become a fabulous procrastination tool.